Forgiving Our Parents

This subject has been a lifetime journey.  When I was a teen and in my 20's, I could clearly see my father's physical abuse, and some of his mental and emotional abuse.  My mother was almost venerated in my eyes as the long-suffering saint in the family.  My brother was the golden child...I was not.

It took years and multiple attempts to work through forgiving my father.  Basically, I did it more than once because every time I had a new insight, I felt I had to do it again.  I forgave him the first time before he died of cancer.  But, I noticed the pattern of choosing men who had his appearance and his characteristics over and over again.  About 27 years ago I saw that I was co-dependent and repeating the patterns learned in childhood because they were familiar, and perhaps trying to 'fix' the problem through repetition.

So after the last wake-up call that could not possibly be missed, additional pieces began falling in place...some very quickly, others taking longer.  My wake up call was a man who was not only Bipolar but also has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, was probably a paranoid schizophrenic like my father and either a psychopath or sociopath.  Through this man I also came to see that Dad was probably all of those too.

The next wake up call was that my mother had also been abusive in mental, emotional and other ways.  In fact, up until her death 11 years ago.  I also saw that she fed the flames of hatred toward my father because it served her purpose which was to use and manipulate me.  My first insight was that she had abandoned me because she did not protect me from my father's abuse.  However, this has grown over time to encompass neglect and all forms of abuse now known to cause irreparable damage in children.  Part of the story has been told by my own body that still bears the scars.

When I was growing up, no one touched family issues.  I was not silent...I told the school, the church, the police (when I ran away) and the hospital could certainly see what damage was done.  Still, no one did anything to help.  It's wonderful that our world now strives to protect the child but even now, it is often not found in time as the first 2 years of a child's life is crucial to their development and ability to perform as contributing members of our society.  Since many children are placed in day care at 6 weeks and never bond with their mothers in a beneficial way, the world is full of people suffering the effects or child neglect and/or abuse.

Without knowing it was correct, I was home with my son for two years after his birth before placing him in day care to return to work.  He also did this and took it much farther when he married and had children.  It has only been in the past year that I heard Dr. Allan Schore of UCLA speak on this topic and it is eye opening.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQkgzLB7vQU&list=PL1CFVxy6FtFnBca1GgzQSJgZThtuhi5B3

My theory of the universe is that our solar system travels through the universe as the planets spiral around the sun and that our lives are similar.  As each planet (problem, idea, etc.) spirals around again and again, should we live long enough, the same subjects appear in our lives for ever deeper understanding and healing.  Thankfully, I am at last at the point where truly deep healing can occur and allow for a significant transformation in my life.

To the day I die, the healing spiral will continue as I forgive my parents, the generations that came before them and myself.  I am grateful for having the opportunity to do this because I am very aware that not everyone does.  Wishing you well on your own healing journey...Namaste!

As Above, So Below

"As above, so below ...the within of things is as the without of things."  This is written about by Hermes Trismegistus on the Emerald Tablet.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emerald_Tablet  I'm no scholar but I intuitively knew this somewhere in my 20's or 30's and have only recently found the ancient text to support my insight.  I thank Rick Levine, Astrologer, for mentioning this in his recent YouTube video of August's astrology.  He further added one does not create the other, they are the same and there is a beauty in this; I'll call it the beauty of creation.

This is pretty amazing in that I never had the chance to attend college when I was younger, never stumbled upon this information or heard this anywhere...but I somehow knew it.  Let me clarify, I first thought that the cosmos was mirrored in our bodies.  Eventually I drew the conclusion that all is the same...it's a glorious creation that we may, or may not, come to understand when we pass from this existence.  It remains to be seen if we are living in a hologram (a modern day supposition) and continue to exist only as long as we remain within it, or if death takes us beyond the creation or hologram.  In recent years, many have begun to talk about us all being one and that appears to be yet another modern day advancement of the same ancient alchemical works by Hermes and others.

In terms of inventions, it has long been proposed that the reason many seem to come up with similar ideas around the same time is due to this "oneness".  Oh, it's not usually stated that way but that the information is floating in the ethers for those open minded souls to find.  First one to the patent office is the one to benefit most!  As an aside, in my Human Design reading, I learned that all of my ideas may not be mine.  I may pass through a room and then have an idea but if I think about it a few days, I will come to the conclusion it wasn't mine but someone else's that I picked up on.  If it was truly mine, the way to execute it would reveal itself without a great deal of effort.

Love musing over philosophical, alchemical and psychological theories and arriving at my own conclusions; which, it seems, are only extensions of the whole/the one and never entirely my own insight.

Where Do I Begin...

Where do I begin to make a difference in the world?  There are so many needs that it is overwhelming to ponder that question!  Just this morning I watched a short video on how carbon is cleansed from our atmosphere by whales, but whaling continues to deplete the numbers of whales. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M18HxXve3CM  Meanwhile, it's summer and the Faroe Islands are once again slaughtering whales and dolphin.  I also read a Facebook post by Geoengineering Watch about chemtrails and how it's a military project.

Add to that the violence that is proliferating in the United States at this time...it seems to be a throwback to the race riots of the late '60's.  On my personal neighborhood level I am, it seems, surrounded by elderly people who are on extremely strong drug cocktails and/or psychotropic drugs.  Bi-polar disorder seems to be rampant these days...was it just not known or diagnosed when I was younger?  Is it the drug industry's plan to make the population dependent on some type of drug?  This, of course, is seemingly necessary now because of the lack of adequate treatment centers for mental disorders.  Or, perhaps, are the mental disorders the result of chemtrails and geoengineering.  Or perhaps due to a food supply which is devoid of nutrients but chock full of chemicals.

So let's see, that's at least one common denominator...chemicals.  Chemicals in the earth and therefore our food, as well as chemicals in our sky and the chemicals we spend a fortune on in the form of drugs.  Unfortunately, I don't feel qualified to do much more than protest or simply avoid as much of those as I can and help get the word out to others.

Most would advise me to do what I can in my local world to make this little corner a better place.  I do that by regularly volunteering at two local organizations each week and occasionally registering voters.  It doesn't feel like enough, though I know it is better than nothing.  With limited energy and limited resources, it's the best I can do.  Since I cannot afford to donate much to causes I believe in, I feel volunteering is a valid alternative...my time is valuable, as are my talents.

What do you do to contribute locally or globally?  Are there more effective ways to contribute?  Do you have ideas about how to peacefully transform the world?

LGBTQI controversy

Before I even begin, I know most people who read this will not agree.  I'm not looking for a debate.  These are simply my feelings.  My hope is that the world is changing and those changes will eventually be beneficial to us all in the near future.

Orlando has taught us many lessons.  Some of those lessons are that whatever your sexual preference is, LGBTQI community members still bleed like I do and die like I will some day.  I told someone the other day that I feel the world is moving in a more unisex direction.  That isn't exactly what I meant.  I meant that I see the lines blurring more and more to where we are more gender neutral.  Maybe it's just me but there seem to be physical changes in people.  There is a little more acceptance, albeit it very hard won by those in the front lines.  In the end, what does it matter what someone's sexual preference is and why should anyone even have to gather under the LGBTQI banner, as long as what is done causes no harm to another!

It seems the only time it's an issue is when one person decides to judge another person, usually based on religious teachings and beliefs.  When you think about it, those have done more to divide us and caused more wars than can be counted.  Though divinely inspired, most are man's interpretation of The Word and we could have an ongoing discussion for years on that topic.  I have been in or have studied most major religions but prefer seeing our creator (whatever name you choose to use) as loving and forgiving rather than vengeful and filled with hatred wielding a gavel and/or sword.

If you want to have religious beliefs, who am I to judge you?  If you want to have sexual preferences other than straight, who am I to judge you?  The Bible, the Koran, the Torah or whatever text you put your faith in also preaches love and caring for your neighbor, and much more.  The judgement is the problem.  Although we are made in the image of God, creator, spirit, universe, etc. (I believe, have Him/She/It within us), we have not been appointed judge and jury unless harm is inflicted on another, then the laws of the land we live in apply.  So why do so many care what their neighbors are doing in their bedrooms?  Why do we want to change them, even to the point of performing surgery on them to 'correct' what's wrong with them?

Every day psychology would suggest there is fear at the root of judgement.  Fear of what?  That they are going to do you harm, or convert you?  If you're turned off by their expressions of love for each other, turn your head.  It was suggested early on that the individual who committed the Orlando massacre was offended by seeing two men kiss.  Some people are offended by public displays of affection, others aren't. But we have the ability to watch something else and better yet, perhaps turn our eyes within and ask why we are bothered or upset by it.

A little over 50 years ago, it was unacceptable for people to live together before marriage.  Now it's hard to find anyone who doesn't.  Concurrently, the marriage rates have gone down...there are simply fewer people bothering to get married.  Legally, the law was referred to as the fornication law and was a punishable crime.  There was also common law marriage, which said (depending upon the state) that a couple living together for 7 years would be considered married.  Both are probably still in the laws in most states but no longer enforced.  Hmmm, why shouldn't common law marriage be applied to the LGBTQI community?

As I end, I hope it doesn't take 50 years for our society to get to the point of acceptance of what is different from our own beliefs.  Not just about this issue but all issues upon which we sit in judgement without having authority to do so.  As the world moves exponentially faster and faster toward the future, largely due to the internet creating an ever smaller world, I don't think it will take 50 years...but I'm also hoping that no more lives must be lost on the road to acceptance..

Self Compassion...

While sometimes showing great compassion to others, I have slowly become aware over the past year of how uncompassionate I am toward myself.  It followed the discovery that my boundaries were porous, when they existed at all.  Of course, there's more to that story...but it will have to wait.  This is being written mostly for myself...funny how getting things down on paper, journaling, helps cement them and gives you a different perspective.

I know the reasons I have not always taken care of myself...learning self compassion by establishing practices as a reminder, is not always easy.  I have two helpful books on self care, the first is Cheryl Richardson's "The Art of Extreme Self-Care" and the second is Shahida Arabi's "The Smart Girl's Guide to Self Care".  They both help me see that I need to to put myself first, the reverse of what I have done most of my life.

Compassion, or lack thereof, is ingrained.  If I drop something on the floor, spill something, make a mistake at doing anything; my immediate reaction is to call my self a name.  Notice I separated my and self?  That's because when I engage in this behavior, that's how I feel...like I am outside speaking to the inner me that way.  I would never think of speaking that way to someone else (unless maybe in traffic, where they couldn't hear me).  That last part...I don't really want to hear myself trash talk others either.  So I realize it's a habit and like any other habit, it's hard to break.  I've been doing it a long time.  Money is tight these days and one way I've devised to help correct this habit is to toss change into a jar when I trash talk myself.  This method is just beginning so I'll have to let you know how it works but generally speaking, anything that has a financial impact is going to grab my attention.

While in a coaching group, I envisioned this mean girl as a separate entity in the form of a bird and I sat her on the limb of a tree next to me.  Every time mean bird/girl would pipe up, I would tell her to pipe down.  It was excellent for making me aware of how much I engaged in negative self talk.  Like why do I think I should be perfect and not make mistakes, right???

So I'm aware of where my self criticism comes from, am taking better care of myself (it's a work in progress) and now I'm hopefully developing a new way of talking to myself.  How about you?  Do you engage in negative self talk?  If so, how do you deal with it?  Share please...

Date myself???

So a coach I've been working with for awhile said I should date myself.  Hmmm...what does that look like? 

Well she said that when you are dating someone you usually ask a lot of questions to discover who they are.  Of course, that's assuming they are, first and foremost, honest.  When I do that, the first thing it brings up for me is ‘my story’.  So then the second thing it brings up is, who would I be without my story?

While ‘my story’ defines me, in recent years I’ve wondered how accurate it is.  I’m one of those people who can remember back to when I was a baby in a crib.  I can also remember an incident when I would have been less than 1 year old, where my mother was brushing my scalp (details provided by her later in life) to encourage my hair to curl, something a hospital brochure of the day told her to do.  All I actually recall is the pain, crying and my grandmother sitting across from us…my mother wouldn’t stop and it hurt.

Okay, so back to dating myself and the fact I can see that ‘my story’ stands in the way of experiencing every day in an open and free way.  I have expectations based upon my past experiences; I also have prejudices that close down or narrow my experience of life.  Asking questions will help me sort the wheat from the chaff and should provide me with new perspective and insight into myself.

I’ll let you know how this turns out.

In the beginning...

June 9, 2016

I have done my fair share of writing, most of it technical or business related.  To call myself a writer is presuming a lot and it's a stretch for me; but I can confess to being a story teller.  A coach that I have been working with for awhile told me that I should do a blog because she learns something from me every time we talk.  I'm going to give it a try.

I was sharing with her that the man 3 doors down the hall asked me to dinner last Friday evening.  I was aghast and speechless.  The age difference is significant.  He finally responded with, "Well think about it."  I replied I would and went inside my apartment, he went down the elevator.  I never thought of him in that way and the limited conversations we've had over the past couple of years have been nonsense.  Nonsense is:  Him: "Not a hair out of place as usual.", Me: "Oh, I'm sure there's one somewhere, but thank you."  Him:  "Wait, yes, I think I see one in the back."  Me:  "LOL...thanks, have a good day."  This occurs almost every time I see him, which isn't often.  How can an 80 something year-old man be as awkward as a teenager?

What I will tell him, whenever I see him again, is that I have learned the hard way not to date your neighbor (or co-worker, boss, etc.).  True, if all goes well you could have a fabulous new friend; but if all does NOT go well, you have an enemy that you will come into frequent contact with, feel awkward around and possibly find yourself taking great pains to avoid.  So in the end, my neighbor is geographically undesirable and will be told no in response to his dinner invitation.