This subject has been a lifetime journey. When I was a teen and in my 20's, I could clearly see my father's physical abuse, and some of his mental and emotional abuse. My mother was almost venerated in my eyes as the long-suffering saint in the family. My brother was the golden child...I was not.
It took years and multiple attempts to work through forgiving my father. Basically, I did it more than once because every time I had a new insight, I felt I had to do it again. I forgave him the first time before he died of cancer. But, I noticed the pattern of choosing men who had his appearance and his characteristics over and over again. About 27 years ago I saw that I was co-dependent and repeating the patterns learned in childhood because they were familiar, and perhaps trying to 'fix' the problem through repetition.
So after the last wake-up call that could not possibly be missed, additional pieces began falling in place...some very quickly, others taking longer. My wake up call was a man who was not only Bipolar but also has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, was probably a paranoid schizophrenic like my father and either a psychopath or sociopath. Through this man I also came to see that Dad was probably all of those too.
The next wake up call was that my mother had also been abusive in mental, emotional and other ways. In fact, up until her death 11 years ago. I also saw that she fed the flames of hatred toward my father because it served her purpose which was to use and manipulate me. My first insight was that she had abandoned me because she did not protect me from my father's abuse. However, this has grown over time to encompass neglect and all forms of abuse now known to cause irreparable damage in children. Part of the story has been told by my own body that still bears the scars.
When I was growing up, no one touched family issues. I was not silent...I told the school, the church, the police (when I ran away) and the hospital could certainly see what damage was done. Still, no one did anything to help. It's wonderful that our world now strives to protect the child but even now, it is often not found in time as the first 2 years of a child's life is crucial to their development and ability to perform as contributing members of our society. Since many children are placed in day care at 6 weeks and never bond with their mothers in a beneficial way, the world is full of people suffering the effects or child neglect and/or abuse.
Without knowing it was correct, I was home with my son for two years after his birth before placing him in day care to return to work. He also did this and took it much farther when he married and had children. It has only been in the past year that I heard Dr. Allan Schore of UCLA speak on this topic and it is eye opening. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQkgzLB7vQU&list=PL1CFVxy6FtFnBca1GgzQSJgZThtuhi5B3
My theory of the universe is that our solar system travels through the universe as the planets spiral around the sun and that our lives are similar. As each planet (problem, idea, etc.) spirals around again and again, should we live long enough, the same subjects appear in our lives for ever deeper understanding and healing. Thankfully, I am at last at the point where truly deep healing can occur and allow for a significant transformation in my life.
To the day I die, the healing spiral will continue as I forgive my parents, the generations that came before them and myself. I am grateful for having the opportunity to do this because I am very aware that not everyone does. Wishing you well on your own healing journey...Namaste!
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